New Chapter
by hopelesslyhalfhearted
Summary: It's a new chapter in the story of the character's we all love. What will adult life hold in store for them? Marissa still alive. Rated T just in case.
1. Friends

_Ok, so this is a new story. I'm sorry for not updating some of the other's but I guess I'm living up to my name. Sometimes I just lose interest in writing a story and get an idea  
for another one that I really like. I'll probably go back to the other one's, but at the moment I just can't write for them. So here's another one._

_Sorry._

_Xoxo_

Friends

"Ryan, why is there a guitar in here?" Seth asked. He'd been 'touring' Ryan's new apartment. He'd been in Philadelphia with work and had decided to come visit Ryan for the day before they both headed to Newport for Christmas. Ryan poked his head around the door.

"Oh, I've been learning to play,"

"Since when?"

"Erm...like...I started in first year at Berkley,"

"This is just great, you're muscular, cute, kind and now...now you play the guitar. There'll be no chicks left for me," Ryan still hadn't got used to Seth's way of complementing him, he was totally secure with a guy calling him cut, even if it was his...brother.

"What does playing guitar have to do with anything?"

"Chicks dig someone who can serenade them. Guitar is a cool instrument. It suites you, but me, I think I'm more of a cellist,"

"You've never played a musical instrument in your life,"

"Ahhh, but if I did, it would be cello. It's my kinda instrument."

"Whatever you say. Why do you need to worry about girls? You've got Summer,"

"Ahh, yes, I need to talk to you about that."

"About Summer?"

"Yep,"

"What've you done now?"

"Why do you immediately think I've done something?"

"Because you usually have,"

"Name me one occasion where I've 'done' something,"

"Well, there was the time you let slip about the surprise birthday party she throwing for Kirsten or the time you ran over the dog..."

"OI! That was an accident, I loved that dog,"

"Ok, how about the time..."

"Ok, ok, but this time I haven't done anything,"

"Riiiiight. Go on then,"

"I found a pregnancy test,"

"And...?"

"It was positive,"

"So, you have done something."

"What? No I haven't!"

"Firstly, you got her pregnant....second; you must have been snooping around to find the test,"

"Well...yes, but that's not the point. Why do you think she hasn't told me?"

"Have you thought that she might be planning on telling you?"

"Well...she can't be, otherwise she wouldn't have hidden the pregnancy thingy,"

"Maybe she didn't hide it...maybe you're just really nosey and have to be patient,"

"Ok...so if she doesn't tell me by tomorrow..."

"Give her a week or so, she'll tell you,"

"If she doesn't?"

"If she doesn't tell you in 2 weeks time call me,"

"Awesome, awesome. Hold on, call you? I'll be in Newport and you'll be...here, what can you do?"

"Phone me, then I'll tell you," Ryan was going to tell him to confront her, he didn't want Seth to know this otherwise he'd confront her too early. Ryan guessed she just need time to think stuff over. "So, apart from that, everything good?"

"Yeah, I'm still loving married life a year on and Newport County's selling 10 million copies a week," Ryan didn't understand how good this figure was, though it seemed like a lot, how many Seth's could there be in the world?

"Good,"

"How about you?"

"I'm fine,"

"Fine is not a feeling,"

"Ok," Ryan paused. "I'm good."

"You've got to give me more to work on. You've moved to a new city, new job, new apartment and all you say is good,"

"Ok, I really love the city. Work is great. Apartment's great. The people at work are really nice."

"Great. So, are you going to show me New York or what?"

"Come on then," Ryan grabbed a jacket.

"What's that for?" Seth asked, looking at the blazer like it was a alien object.

"To wear..."

"You've already got a sweater." Seth said pointing at Ryan's grey v-neck, then looking at the black, pinstripe blazer.

"Seth, it's winter, we're in New York, you'll need more than a long sleeve,"

"Ok, got something I can borrow?" Ryan smiled as and idea came to mind. He disappeared for a moment then came back with the Santa coat Seth had given him one year as a Christmas present and then forced him to wear to a Christmas party. It was payback time.

"What? No, I can't wear...you're joking right?" Ryan shock his head, grinning. Seth grabbed it from him.

********************

"I can't believe I'm wearing this stupid thing," Seth had been in a bad mood for the past 2 hours that they had been wondering the streets of Manhattan.

"You bought it," Ryan was still laughing. He lost track of how many people had given them strange looks. Just then a kid ran up to them.

"SANTA, SANTA!" The kid hugged Seth's legs. Ryan tried hard to not laugh. The kid let go and reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. "This is my list," The kid handed Seth the piece of paper. Someone called out a name. "That's Mommy. Bye," The kid turned and ran back to his mother. Ryan couldn't hold it any longer, he burst in hysterics.

"It's not funny," Seth was even moodier than before. They began walking again. Ryan dragged Seth into a jeweller's.

"What do you want in here?" Seth said crossing his arms.

"I'm picking something up." Ryan went to the counter and exchanged a few words with the jeweller. The jeweller went through a door and came back with a black velvet box, around it was a red ribbon, purely for decoration purposes. Ryan returned to Seth.

"Who for?"

"None of your business, nosey,"

"You've got a girlfriend?"

"No, but if I tell you who it's for you'll blab." Seth frowned. "Come on," They wandered around for an hour or so. Seth managed to force Ryan into the museum of Comic & Cartoon Art. Seth had also forced Ryan into the gift shop.

"Look, they've got Newport County!" Seth seemed so excited by this.

"Yep, they have," Ryan was so bored. "Let's go," Ryan had to literally drag Seth away. It took 15 minutes to walk back to the apartment. As soon as Seth was in the heated area he whipped the coat off and shoved it into Ryan's arms.

"You put that where...where...just put it away," Ryan laughed, Seth seemed traumatised by his experience with the coat. Ryan put it away then got them some beer. He went into the living room, finding Seth lounging on the largest sofa. He handed him a bottle then settled down in the armchair. Seth lay, staring at the ceiling.

"It's strange without her," Seth said.

"Who?"

"Summer,"

"You've only been gone a week and you'll see her tomorrow."

"Yeah,"

"It's weird for me not seeing you guys every day," Ryan had moved to New York last month.

"Yeah, it's a bit different; you're not in love with us."

"I love all of you,"

"But you're not IN love with us, at least I hope you're not," Ryan chuckled.

"True." They were silent.

"What was it like, when Marissa left?" Seth asked.

"I...she...we weren't even dating, you guys are married."

"You still loved her though. I know it's got nothing to do with me missing Summer, I'm only not seeing her for a week, but..."

"Honestly?" Ryan paused. "It felt like someone had just ripped out my heart and taken it to Greece." Ryan paused again. "I missed her a lot, Seth. Not talking to her, not seeing her. I didn't know how to act, what to do. I mean it was like in one day my life had become a whole lot different. But you adjust, you get used to it, and once you've got used to her not being around, you don't miss her." Ryan paused again. "Luckily, I doubt you'll ever have to get used to not being around Summer,"

"Yeah," Everything was quiet again. "When's our flight tomorrow?"

"Midday, we'll have to leave here at like 9,"

"Awesome," Seth turned the T.V. on and began flicking through the channels. He settled on an episode of Friends. "When we were at Harbour, I always imagined us being like them. Except only four of us."

"Who'd be who?"

"No, not like that. I just thought that we'd all live in the same apartment block, see each other every day. Remember when you laughed at me for crying at the last episode?"

"Yeah," Ryan smiled at the memory.

"It's cause I could just see us like that, in my mind I could substitute us into that situation, getting to a point where we had to go separate ways."

"Well, some of us did go separate ways,"

"Just a lot earlier than I expected,"


	2. Christmukkah Eve

Christmukkah Eve

Seth had got bored of Friends and left Ryan watching it while he went for another nosey around the place. He found the paper next to the guitar. He picked it up and began reading.

_M_

_You left, leaving just a letter  
And the memories inside my head  
You wrote that you loved me  
That can't be true, cause you fled_

_If you loved me you'd have held me in an embrace  
If you loved me you'd have said it to my face  
If you loved me we'd have stayed as two  
I loved you and that's what I would do_

Ryan came in.

"What are you doing?" Ryan snatched the paper from him.

"It's a song?" Ryan was silent. "It's really good,"

"Don't tell ANYONE, ok? Nobody,"

"Why?"

"It's...stupid, it's just a stupid song that means nothing," Just by the way Ryan spoke, Seth knew it must mean something personal.

"Does M stand for Marissa?" Ryan ignored his question.

"I'm going to bed, turn off the lights when you go," Ryan turned his back and walked out of the room.

*****************

The car ride from the airport to Sandy and Kirsten's wasn't a long one.

"So, you still hate Marissa?"

"Seth, I never hated her, I was just angry, it was a way to get my emotions out without speaking to anyone. Anyway I wrote it ages ago, really I'm fine,"

"Ok. So, any other songs?" Ryan just looked at Seth, telling him to shut up. Seth did.

"We're here!" Seth parked the car as close to the door as he could.

"Why so close?"

"So, you don't to carry your bags so far!"

"Erm...thanks," Ryan was going to stay with Kirsten and Sandy, there was more room. Plus Ryan wanted to be in the pool house again. He went round the back, dumped his bags in the pool house and then went inside to the kitchen, where Seth, Kirsten, Summer and Sandy were waiting. Kirsten hugged him before he could say anything.

"I've missed you," Kirsten said as she let go. He'd only been gone a month.

"Missed you too,"

"Hey buddy," Sandy said.

"Hey, Sandy. Hey, Summer,"

"Hey, Chino," Summer gave him a quick hug.

"So, how's New York?" Kirsten asked.

"It's really good," Kirsten was about to speak when Seth interrupted.

"That's all you'll get out of him. Now, I'm thinking we should go tree hunting," Summer, Sandy and Kirsten exchanged glances.

"I'm not telling him, it was you're idea!" Sandy said to Kirsten.

"Erm...we've already got the tree," Seth looked shocked.

"What?"

"We got the tree, while there was still good ones left. If we'd have waited until you were back all the good ones would be gone. I mean...Christmas Eve is a bit late to get a tree." Seth was still silent. "We haven't decorated it, you can do that,"

"But...I...I always choose the tree..." Seth stared at the three of them.

"We bought more decorations," Summer said, trying to get Seth happy again.

"I'm sorry, honey, we just wanted to make sure you got the best tree," Kirsten apologised. Ryan still couldn't believe how much of a child Seth was when Christmas time came.

"I'll accept your apology on two conditions," Seth said to his Mom.

"Yes...?"

"First, I get to choose where everything goes on the tree, everyone has to consult me before they put anything on it,"

"Sure,"

"And second, Mom you can't go anywhere near the food until it's time to eat it," Everybody laughed. "I'm not joking,"

"I know, honey, I promise," Kirsten said kissing him on the cheek.

"Let's decorate!" Seth said, clapping his hands together. The next few hours followed with Seth giving orders.

"NO! Not there!"

"Higher, no a bit lower, no you've gone too far!"

"NO, NO, NO! That's the wrong colour!" "That doesn't match!"

"No, we're putting that in the hall!"

"Christmas Hitler has invaded," Sandy whispered to Ryan after one of Seth's orders.

"OI! Stop talking and get decorating!" Ryan laughed at Seth and how seriously he was taking his job as 'chief decorator'. When Seth was satisfied Ryan went out into the pool house to unpack. He was going to be staying with them for a couple of weeks before going back to New York. He lay on the bed. Another year was almost over. He'd moved away from the place he called home, from the people he called family. But some things stayed the same. Another year had gone by in which he hadn't been drunk; he'd broken up with a girl; he'd come to Seth's defence more than once. That all happened every year. Ryan took comfort in knowing that some things always stay the same. That no matter what life throws at you there is always something you can depend on, that you know will happen. Whether it's a good thing, like the continued love of a family, or a bad thing, like a break up, he still knew it would happen. Because of that knowledge, that steadiness, he even took comfort from the bad things. Another thing had stayed the same this year. Marissa was still gone. He could always depend on that. Ryan wasn't sure now whether her being gone was a good or a bad thing.

Soon he'd fallen asleep, tired from his journey.


	3. Christmukkah Day

_Ok, so basically season 4 didn't happen._

_Christmukkah Day_

"Wakey, wakey, sleepy head!" Seth hit Ryan with a pillow. Ryan sat up slowly, making strange grunts as he did.

"What?" He looked over to the clock on his bedside table. "Urgh! It's only 7!" Ryan lay back down. Seth grabbed his arm and attempted to pull him back up, but Ryan was too strong.

"Come on, everyone's waiting for you!" Ryan didn't budge. "We are opening the presents, I refuse for you to miss it! So...GET OF YOUR ARSE!" Ryan pulled himself up again. Seth was such a child; Ryan had grown out of the waking up early on Christmas day stage when he was about 8. And here was Seth, 26 years old and still doing the same thing.

"I'm coming, ok. Just let me get dressed." Ryan got up and pulled out some sweats and a hoody from the wardrobe.

"Na, na, na!" Seth shook his head, took the hoody from Ryan and replaced it with one of those awful Christmas jumpers. "We're all wearing one,"

"Fine," Ryan grumbled as he pulled it on. He followed Seth into the main house. Everyone was sat around the Christmas tree; Seth had sorted the presents into little piles for each person. Ryan sat down next to the pile of his presents.

"Let's begin," Seth said excitedly. "Now, Ryan, you start,"

"Ok," Ryan picked a random present off the pile; Seth let out a loud woop as he did. He read out the tag. "It's from Summer and Seth," Everyone now understood Seth's woop. Ryan unwrapped it. Inside was a photo collage, all the photos were of the Christmas' they'd had together, though of course with it being Seth the frame was engraved with Cohen Christmukkah's. There was one empty space, marked with Christmukkah 2014. "Thanks guys," Ryan hugged both off them.

"Now, Mom," Kirsten picked a present.

"It's from Ryan," She opened it, revealing a charm bracelet. On it were different custom charms. One was a little Christmas tree, with a Hanukkah lamp overlapping it. Among it was an R for Ryan and three S's for Seth, Sandy and Summer. "Thank you so much," Kirsten was nearly in tears.

"To remind you of stuff, you can add more on as well," Kirsten hugged him tight.

"Dad," Seth said. Sandy picked up a present; it was a new tie from Kirsten. "Summer, darling," Summer's present was a new dress from Kirsten; apparently it was just perfect and matched with some new shoes she'd bought herself. "Ok, my turn," It was obvious Seth had been waiting for this. The present he picked up was from Summer. He didn't unwrap his present carefully like everybody else he just tore at the paper. Inside was a baby gro. He looked at it confused for a bit. "I...I don't think it'll fit," He said, still confused.

"It's not for you, dummy," Summer laughed. "I'm pregnant," She beamed at him and he pulled her into a tight hug. Ryan couldn't understand how Seth hadn't guessed what the baby gro was for; after all he already knew she was pregnant. Ryan pretended he hadn't known previously and looked just as surprised and happy as everyone else. When they'd finished the congratulations they continued with the presents. After they'd finished with that Seth ushered them all into the dining room. The table had been set out beautifully. Holly curled around dishes of roast potatoes and vegetables. A gigantic turkey sat in the middle of it all. Sandy could see there being leftovers for the next couple of months. They'd just sat down when there when the doorbell rang, Sandy got up to answer it and Julie came running into the room.

"I'm so sorry," She said breathlessly. "I've burnt the turkey and the girls are meant to arrive in like 10 minutes and I don't have anything to do and I..."

"Calm down," Kirsten said. "You can all eat with us, with got plenty of food. Boys, go get some more cutlery," Ryan and Seth got up and went into the kitchen.

"Stupid woman, now we've got wait even longer to eat," Seth muttered as he got out the extra knives and forks.

"Yeah," Ryan said distantly as he reached for some plates. He couldn't help noticing Julie had said the girls, plural.

"Here we go," Seth laid out the extra places. Julie had just got off the phone from telling them about the changed location.

"Thank you so much," Julie said sitting down. "Oh, I've got presents for all of you, but they're in the car."

"Thank you," Kirsten smiled. The doorbell rang again. Again Sandy answered the door, when he came back two tall brunettes followed him. One's hair lighter than the other. Summer stood up from her chair and charged at one of them.

"COOP!" They hugged for what seemed an eternity.

"Hey, Sum," Marissa said laughing.

"Come on let's sit down and eat," Seth said. "I'm starving," Everybody laughed, but they all did as they were told, sitting down and digging in.

"Hey Ryan," Marissa said as she sat down. Ryan had been trying not to look up from his plate.

"Hey," Some things didn't stay the same. She wasn't gone.

"Coop, how long are you staying?" Summer asked.

"Couple of weeks I think,"

"That's awesome, we should hang out the four of us, Ryan's staying two weeks aren't you?"

"Yeah," Ryan answered.

"It's going to be awesome; the four of us back together," Seth said excitedly.

"Yep," Ryan said. He was as enthusiastic as Seth. Something always went wrong when the four of them were around.

"That'll be fun," Julie commented. "Any ideas on what you want to do? I know Marissa's been excited about going to the beach again,"

"Sounds like a good idea," Seth said. "Girls in bikinis, Ryan you might even find 'the one'"

"Haha," Ryan said sarcastically. "I'm meeting up with someone tomorrow, so don't plan anything involving me."

"Who's someone?" Seth asked.

"None of your business.


	4. Beach Meeting

Beach Meeting

"Seriously, who are you going to see?" Seth had been trying to get it out of Ryan all day. The adult's had all gone to bed, Julie was sleeping in the spare room as she'd had too much alcohol to drive home. Kirsten was around somewhere and now the four of them were alone together.

"Seriously," Ryan mimicked Seth. "An old friend,"

"What gender is this old friend?"

"Seth, I'm not answering any more questions,"

"More? You haven't answered any questions!"

"Still not answering," Ryan said, looking down at the book Sandy had got him.

"Well, if you won't tell me about it, I'll have to find something else to talk about. I'm quite interested on a topic about guitars,"

"I'm not budging, cause I know you wouldn't dare,"

"Really?" Seth put on a fake crafty voice.

"Yes, now shut up,"

"Ok," Seth really didn't want to make Ryan angry. "So, have we got anymore ideas on what to do?"

"I want to just hang at the beach most of the time, we can catch up," Summer offered.

"Catch up? You're always on the phone!" Seth exclaimed. Summer had kept in contact with Marissa; she went to San Francisco to visit her quite often.

"Whatever, Cohen. Yeah, so, beach, sunbathing, but even I can't be occupied by that for a whole 2 weeks. So..."

"Ryan could always find another surfer dude to start a war with, that was fun," Seth said.

"You'll have all tomorrow to think about it. I'm off to bed," Ryan got up. "Night,"

******************

"Ryan, Ryan!" The little boy ran up to him. Ryan threw him up and then caught him again, he couldn't have been older than 4.

"How's my best boy?"

"Me happy,"

"And why's that?"

"You here!" Ryan laughed. He put the boy down.

"Go finish making your sandcastle,"

"Can you help?"

"In a bit, kid," The boy ran off and Ryan walked to where a woman stood.

"Hi,"

"Hi, Ryan,"

"How is he?"

"He's understands that they've gone. Now he wants to know where and why,"

"That must be difficult,"

"Yeah, you're telling me,"

"I'm sorry,"

"None of this madness is anyone's fault,"

"Want me to talk to him?"

"Sure, you can try," They walked toward the boy. "Want an ice-cream?"

"YEAH!" The kid stood up instantly

"Come on then," The lady reached her hand out, but the kid refused to hold it.

"Shoulders," He ordered of Ryan. Ryan bent down, allowing the boy to climb on. They got an ice cream and then sat on the beach, watching the boy play.

"Rach, how are you?" Ryan asked.

"I'm good, I'm getting used to it now. I don't miss them as much,"

"Yeah, it gets easier,"

"How do you know?"

"Someone I loved...left,"

"Oh,"

"What've you been doing lately?"

"We went to the cinemas last night; I'm surprised he hasn't given you his talk about Sid the Sloth,"

"Ice Age 5?"

"Yep...any other lectures I need to warn...oh yes, he's got a 'girlfriend', who he loves dearly, he'll tell you about her as soon as he gets the chance. Don't say anything about him being too young and don't make jokes, he takes her very seriously and he'll throw a strop. At the moment he's retaliating with the phrase 'Love doesn't take age into consideration', which he must have overheard off the telly," Ryan laughed.

"So, you've been pretty busy?"

"Yep," They both laughed.

"How's New York?" She asked.

"It's really good, though of course it's missing a few things,"

"What may they be?"

"Beaches, real life Barbies, cute but annoying 4 year olds," Ryan paused. "An amazing woman," He looked straight into her eyes. Slowly they both leant in. He could feel her breath on his face, it was cool, calming. Their lips were nearly touching...

"I can't," She pulled her head away. "I'm sorry,"

"No, it's fine, I'm sorry, it was a stupid thing to do,"

"You're a really nice guy Ryan, but...it's just...you live in New York now, it wouldn't work."

"Don't worry." He paused. "Have you got a boyfriend?"

"No, waaaay too busy," She smiled at him. "How about you and love?"

"That's a bit of a stupid question,"

"Why?"

"I did just try and kiss you,"

"Oh, yeah, I...yeah..." Ryan laughed. "Has there been anyone in New York?"

"No," They were both silent. "I saw someone yesterday...for the first time in 8 years,"

"Really? That must have been pretty good; I guess you guys had a lot to catch up on," She had assumed it was a man.

"She moved away. It was complicated. Catching up would be awkward,"

"Complicated?"

"We dated on and off. For one reason or another I made a stupid choice and broke up with her when she probably needed me most. She left me a letter, saying she loved me; maybe we could be together in the future, but not then. Stupidest thing was I loved her too and I didn't even attempt to tell her."

"That's bad,"

"You think that's bad. She's staying 2 weeks and her best friend is my sister-in-law."

"Shit,"

"Yep."

"She said you could be together in the future, do you think that's why she's back?"

"Marissa's back because her Mom's a bad cook, burnt the turkey and they all ended up coming over to ours." The woman laughed a bit. "Rach, what would you do?"

"Do you still like her?"

"I...I haven't seen or spoken to her in 8 years. I don't know her anymore."

"Right, ok...well, do you have to stay with her?"

"Seth, his wife, her and me...we were like best friends at high school. They all want to hang out, and I want to see Seth and Summer too, I've only got two weeks here,"

"Well then, just be polite and nice and enjoy yourself."

"Easier said than done,"

"Ryan?" A voice called from behind them. Ryan turned around Seth was walking up to him with the girls behind me. "Hey, man,"

"Hey," Ryan looked around at everyone. "Erm...Rachael this is...Seth, Summer and...Marissa. Guys this is Rachael, my friend," The boy came running up.

"Ryan, Ryan! I found crab, it's got really big claw...who this?"

"Seth, Summer and Marissa. This is Jon, my...friend,"


	5. Seeing You Again

Seeing You Again

"So, I better get going," Rachael stood up. "It's going take a while to clean him up," They all looked at Jon; he was covered in ice cream and sand.

"Um...yeah," Ryan said.

"Come on, Jon,"

"Bye," Ryan gave her a kiss on the cheek to say goodbye.

"Bye Ryan!" Jon said.

"See you, kid,"

"So, maybe I'll...call you?" She said.

"Yeah,"

"Ok, bye,"

"Bye," The two walked off.

"Sooooo..." Seth began. "She's very...cute,"

"Shut up, Seth," Ryan said forcefully.

"Are you dating?" Ryan didn't answer. "The kid's kinda cute, he likes you. That's got to be good, I mean, for any single Mom, it's good to have a guy your kid likes."

"I'm not her 'guy',"

"Yep, sure."

"Ryan, you know, you've got to be really responsible. I mean, you can't just have her thinking you like her and then leave, she's got a kid to think about." Summer said.

"Both of you have no clue what you're talking about,"

"Chino, if you're not dating her, stop acting like you want to."

"She seems nice and everything, but she's got a kid, you really want that baggage? Anyway what about the Dad, you can't be a replacement," Seth pointed out.

"HIS PARENT'S ARE DEAD, SETH, THEY'RE DEAD!" Ryan tried to calm down. "His Dad had cancer. His Mom committed suicide. Rachael is his Aunt and I'm just being a friend,"

"Oh."

"Yeah, so stop with the stupid comments."

"Can I make one more?" Ryan glared at him. "I think she liiiiikes you!"

"She doesn't,"

"How do you know? Sum, don't you think so?"

"It is quite obvious. Marissa?"

"I reckon so,"

"She doesn't,"

"Aaaaannnnd how do you know that?" Seth asked.

"I...I just do, ok,"

"Hoooooowww?"

"Seth, we are friends. You know like...I'm friends with Summer,"

"But I'm your sister-in-law, that's different,"

"Look, I just know, ok?"

"I repeat, hoooooowww?" Ryan couldn't tell them she rejected him, which would mean they knew he liked her, which would mean a never ending supply of Seth jokes.

"Seth, we're friends. So, did you think of any ideas?" Ryan said, quickly changing the subject.

"We've arranged a sailing trip; it'll take up a few days,"

"When he says we, he means he," Summer said. Ryan laughed.

"Do we need to get supplies and stuff?"

"Yeah, that's actually where we were headed,"

"Ok,"

*****************

"You guys do this a lot?" Marissa asked. They were a day into their trip.

"Well, me and Cohen do," Summer said. "I can't remember the last time Ryan came with us,"

"I can," Seth said. "I do believe it was the weekend before we all went off the college,"

"That long ago?" Summer asked.

"Yep. After that you got a bit bored of us, I mean we had seen each other every day for, like, 3 years, it's understandable,"

"Seth, you know it's not like that," Seth always seemed to think Ryan needed to spend more time with him, that he wasn't being 'a good brother'.

"Yeah, yeah,"

"I've got work and..."

"Rachael?"

"Not again,"

"Seriously, when did you start keeping secrets from me? I mean we used to share everything...I share everything with you," Ryan couldn't understand why Seth had suddenly started. He was sometimes a bit grumpy or annoyed, but he never did this kind of thing.

"I didn't keep it a secret, I just..."

"When did you start seeing her?"

"For god's sake, I am not dating Rachael,"

"I didn't mean like that. When did you start meeting up with her and the kid?"

"After her brother died."

"When was that?"

"6 months ago, but quite honestly it's none of your business."

"Yes it is,"

"No it isn't Seth. It's my life!"

"We don't have secrets!"

"FOR FUCKS SAKE! IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE MARRIED!"

"NO WE'RE NOT! YOU'LL PROBABLY NEVER BE!"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU KEEP SECRETS; YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE US ANYMORE!"

"I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE? WHAT THE FUCK? COURSE I WANT TO SEE YOU! IF I DIDN'T I WOULDN'T HAVE STAYED THESE TWO WEEKS! I'VE STAYED HERE AROUND MARISSA WHEN ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GO BACK!"

"WELL IF YOU HATE US SO MUCH WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?"

"I DON'T HATE YOU! DON'T YOU GET IT? I'M HERE BECAUSE I WANT TO BE HERE WITH YOU, EVEN IF SHE'S HERE, EVEN IF BEING HERE WITH HER MAKES ME FEEL DEAD INSIDE! I'M HERE BECAUSE I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, WITH MY FAMILY!"

"YOU'RE NOT FAMILY!" Seth realised too late what he had said. Ryan stared Seth for a moment and then turned and walked calmly below deck. He gathered his stuff into his bag and went bag up.

"Dock as soon as possible,"

"What?" Seth looked at him. "I didn't mean it, you know I didn't mean it," Seth grovelled. Ryan walked over to the GPS system.

"Start going inland now, we can be there in 10 minutes."

"Ryan," He ignored Summer and kept his head down at the GPS. "Ryan, please, you know he didn't mean it. You're just as much part of this family as anyon..."

"No I'm not. Never have been, never will be." Ryan said and then went back below deck. Seth went to the wheel.

"Cohen, what are you doing?"

"Going in,"

"Why?"

"We're not changing his mind."

"Why are you giving up?"

"Summer, I said it. I was stupid and I said it."

"You just need to apologis..."

"Sorry isn't going to work this time. What was I thinking? I started it." Seth put his head in his hands. Summer put an arm over his shoulders comforting him.

*********************

"Hey," A voice said. Ryan looked up to see who had entered.

"Hey,"

"You know he didn't mean it,"

"I...it doesn't matter whether he meant it...it's still true," They were silent.

"Did you mean it? About being around me?"

"I...it's not your fault...it's just all the memories, the bad ones...but it hurts thinking about the good as well." They were silent. "Why didn't you stay in contact?"

"I didn't want to hold you back, make you think you had to wait for me,"

"I wanted to wait for you...I did wait for you, for 3 years I waited, for a phone call, for an email, for you to tell Summer to say hi, for...for anything." They looked into each other's eyes. Marissa sat down on the bed next to him.

"I fucked up, didn't I?" Ryan looked at her, a sad look on his face. It said it all. "Do you ever think about what it would have been like if I hadn't gone? Or if I'd come back to you?"

"I..." Ryan didn't know what to say. He said the truth. "I reckon we would have graduated together, then I'd have taken you to the lifeguard station and I would've got down on one knee and asked you to marry me,"

"I reckon I would have said yes," Summer came in.

"Ryan, we're..."

"Yeah," Ryan stood up, Summer left the room. "It was...nice seeing you,"

"Yeah," They hugged; Ryan put his head on her shoulder and breathed in her smell. It was still the same. She did exactly the same thing.

Ryan stood on the pier, watching them sail away.

Sometimes you don't realise how much you've missed someone until you see them again.


	6. Things Change

_Ok, so Ryan's songs are going to be songs already written, but I'm going to pretend Ryan wrote them._

Things Change

_6 Months Later_

"I've got a surprise for you," Ryan's girlfriend led him inside. He wasn't sure why he was dating her. Probably because she was so self obsessed he never had to talk about himself, about his problems. He liked that.

She handed Ryan a letter addressed to him.

"What's this?" Ryan asked.

"Open it," You already have, Ryan thought to himself. Inside was a letter.

_To Mr Atwood_

_We received your demo tapes and we loved them. We want you to come in to the studio anytime on Friday to discuss a deal. _

_Yours Sincerly_

_Gregg Daniels  
Columbia Records_

Contact detail followed that. Ryan stared at it for a while.

"Why did you send them my music?"

"I thought you'd like it, that it would be a nice surprise,"

"A nice surprise? I don't want people hearing the stuff I wrote! I didn't even want you to know about it!"

"I wanted you to be happy! You're never happy!"

"You thought this would make me happy?! Stop interfering in other people's business!"

"You're my boyfriend!"

"Right, what's my parents names?"

"You...I...I don't know,"

"Where do they live?"

"I...I don't know that either, ok!"

"Neither do I! See I haven't been in contact with either of my parents since I was 18! That's quite a major thing that you'd think a girl you'd been dating for five months would know about you! Don't feel bad, I don't know your parents names either,"

"I don't want to see you anymore Ryan,"

"Fine," The girl turned, slamming the door behind her. Ryan felt slightly guilty; maybe he had overacted a bit, though he wasn't sad to see her leave. He looked down at the letter again. He had two days to decide.

******************

He wished so much that he could call Seth and ask him for advice. He was the only person who even knew he played the guitar or that he wrote songs. But he couldn't call him. He hadn't spoken to him or anyone else for 6 months.

They weren't his family.

He slung his guitar on his back and walked out the door. It would be a fresh start, what he needed. He could get his mind off everything.

********************

"So, now we've got all the paperwork over and done with you can start recording a few songs in the studio and we need to work out a track listing for the album,"

"Will everything stay here in New York?"

"Well, our main studios are in L.A and that's really where we're based...so, there is a possibility of you moving," L.A. That was closer to Newport than New York. A lot closer. "Is that ok?"

"Yeah, no problem,"

"Of course we'll pay for accommodation if you want to keep your place here,"

"Moving isn't a problem for me,"

"That's great, because it would be a lot easier. Let's say if we start recording in a month, does that give you enough time to wrap up everything here?"

"Yeah, sure, I don't see why not,"

"Awesome, that's settled, don't hesitate to call,"

"Ok,"

Ryan went straight home after the meeting. He opened the cupboard and a bag fell out. Inside was a photo frame, with My First Photo engraved on the silver frame. Ryan had bought it a few months before hand. He hadn't looked at it since. The baby was due about now. He picked it up and then put it in an envelope; he scribbled something on a piece of paper and put it in as well. He sealed it and quickly scrawled an address on and put a stamp on. He ran to the end of the road and put it in the post box. It began to rain. Ryan didn't care. He walked to central park and sat down on a bench, head in his hands.

Everything was changing, again. He was halfway through another year. He couldn't take any comfort in things staying the same this year. Nothing had stayed the same. Marissa had come back. He'd been drunk more times than he could remember. He hadn't been there to come to Seth's defence. The biggest change of all. He didn't have a family he could fall back on. When he thought about it he'd never had a family to fall back on. He'd never had a family.

Thinking hurt too much. He ran into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of vodka. He didn't bother pouring himself a shot; he just put the bottle to his mouth. He was becoming like his Mom, like Marissa used to be. He remembered how much he hated it when they were like that. Did that mean he hated himself now? Too much thinking. He took another swig.


	7. A Parcel and Pretending

A Parcel and Pretending

"What's that?" Summer asked, Seth held a parcel in his hands.

"It's addressed to Baby Cohen," Seth said.

"Open it?" Marissa was staying with them for a week or so. She'd been down quite a lot this year.

"Yeah," Seth gently unwrapped it and pulled out a silver photo frame.

"That's so adorable!" Summer exclaimed. A piece of paper fell out. "What's that?" Seth unfolded it and read out loud.

"Hey, hope you like this present. I hope you have a great life, full of happiness and love. Life's a strange thing, sometimes we find ourselves not wanting it to end, sometimes we can't wait to stop the pain and sometimes...sometimes we are so blissfully happy that we don't really think about it. You'll feel all that trust me. You have to feel the bad stuff to know the good. We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. For the same reason, we can experience joy because we have known sadness. Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Love always..." Seth paused, checking he'd read it right. "Ryan," All three of them were silent.

"Ryan..." Summer repeated quietly. "Ryan...wrote that...?"

"I...I guess," Seth stuttered.

"He..." Nobody knew what to say. They were silent.

*****************

_6 months later._

"It's number one!" Ryan's manager ran into the hotel room. "Your album is number 1!"

"Great," Ryan muttered, flicking through television channels.

"You've got to set off for that chat show in 10 minutes,"

"I thought it didn't start until 8,"

"It doesn't,"

"It's currently midday,"

"Well, you've got to get cleaned up once you're there, and it's in Newport of all places. Why they'd have a film studio there I don't know..." Ryan stopped listening to the man as soon as he heard Newport.

"That doesn't take 8 hours," Ryan said, trying to mask his emotions.

"I thought we'd have a look around, it's meant to be beautiful," Ryan couldn't be bothered arguing.

"Whatever,"

"You know Ryan, you really should stop drinking, it's..." Ryan cut him off.

"Am I drunk now?"

"No,"

"Have I ever been drunk at work? No I haven't, so but out." Ryan stood up.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm getting in the car," Ryan didn't turn to look at the man when he answered.

*******************

"Maybe you should buy a place here? It looks great and it's not too far away," Ryan manager suggested. Ryan still hadn't found a house and was currently renting.

"I don't think so," Ryan said, staring out the window.

"Let's stop here," The driver pulled over.

""Tell you what, you go off and do whatever, I'll go on my own," Ryan said stepping out the car.

"Ok...but you'll have to take security,"

"Come on!"

"No, I'm not letting my prize asset get...I dunno, but I want you safe,"

"Whatever," Ryan got out. "Come on Specs," Ryan had taken to calling his bodyguard Specs, he'd never seen him without his black sunglasses on. Ryan walked along the beach, Specs following a few metres behind. "There's a good place here, great chilli fries,"

"You've been here before, sir?" The tall man asked.

"No," Ryan said quickly. "I...I've heard about it," Ryan went inside the diner, the man stood outside the door. "Come on Specs, I'm buying," When had his life got so bad that the only person he talked to properly was his bodyguard, a guy who's real name he didn't even know. They sat down in a booth by the window. "Let's get chilli fries, do you want a burger?"

"No thank you, sir," The waitress came over.

"Two chilli fries, a coke and...erm Specs?"

"Coke, sir," The waitress went away.

"You know you've got to stop calling me sir,"

"Yes, sir,"

"Specs, I'm pretty fucked up. The only person I have left to talk to is a bodyguard who's name I...what is your name?"

"Gregg, sir,"

"My name's Ryan, not sir," The man smiled a bit. "You got a family?"

"Wife and 2 kids,"

"That must be great,"

"Yeah, it is,"

"Do you miss them? When you're away?"

"More than anything,"

"Does it make you sad? Being away from them?"

"Yes,"

"You never look it,"

"Most people are sad, it's just some people are better at hiding it than others,"

"I'm pretty bad at hiding it, aren't I?"

"Yes, but I don't think you're sad. You're depressed, angry...grieving,"

"Grieving over what?"

"Something you've lost,"

"Nobody has died,"

"People don't have to have died for you to lose them. But I don't think you're grieving over one person, your grieving over a lot of things,"

"How do you come to that conclusion?"

"It's my job to watch you. You're an interesting guy, much more than the alcoholic singer that you pretend to be,"

"I pretend?"

"Sometimes it's easier to pretend than to accept the truth,"

"An alcoholic, how can the truth be worse than that?"

"I don't know, you tell me,"

"Ryan?" Someone asked. Ryan spun round. Seth was stood there, Summer and Marissa on either side of him.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to keep your distance," Gregg stood between Seth and me.

"It's ok they're my...I know them,"

"You sure?"

"Yep,"

"He doesn't look harmful anyway," Gregg said, sitting down.

"Gregg, could you...?"

"I'll be outside, sir,"

"Do you guys wanna...sit?" Everyone sat down. They were silent, Seth was about to burst.

"First off, I'm sorry, really sorry. Second congratulations,"

"Congratulations on what?"

"Your album, your music, your career, everything!"

"Yeah," Ryan mumbled.

"The photo frame was...really nice," Summer said.

"Yeah. How's..." Ryan realised he didn't know the name or gender of the child. "The baby?"

"Paige is great,"

"And you guys?"

"We're good, really good. How about you?"

"I'm...fine,"

"Ryan we know about the..." Summer was struggling with saying it.

"The what?" Ryan asked.

"The alcohol and the drugs," Marissa said. It sounded less patronising coming from her, she knew what it was like, to find comfort in a bottle.

"I'm not...drunk or drugged up,"

"Ryan, it's in the newspapers everybody knows,"

"I don't have a problem with any addiction!" Ryan stood up and stormed out. The three of them sat looking at each other.

"It's bad," Marissa said. Denial was the worst thing. She'd denied it, for so long. Ryan was the one who'd got her out of it. She only wished she could return the favour.

"Why won't he let us help him!?" Seth banged his fist on the table.

"I wouldn't let anyone help me...but him," Marissa put her head in her hands. "It's hard to admit you've got a problem, because that means admitting there was something wrong to cause that addiction. You drink to deny that things are wrong, when you don't want to think about the bad stuff that's happened. Admitting you drink is admitting there is something wrong in your life other than the addiction."


	8. A Smartass and an Asshole

A Smartass and an Asshole

"Now, Ryan, we've got a part on this show where viewers send in ideas, questions, whatever and you say your opinion," The host said.

"Sure," Ryan was sweating under the lighting; his vision had gone all fuzzy. He shouldn't have drunk so much before he came on. But he couldn't help it; he needed to numb the pain of seeing them.

"Now, first off. My husband left me and I can't stop crying, what should I do? That one's anonymous." Ryan thought for a while.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened,"

"Very wise. Next, another anonymous one, I'm 30 and I still haven't found someone I'm truly happy with. What do you say to that?"

"Don't try to find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall. Sometimes there is waiting to catch you when you fall and sometimes you fall hard and get hurt."

"You're a very wise guy, Mr. Atwood. Got any good advice for me?"

"Yeah," Ryan said. "Stop hitting on your guests," The audience laughed. The alcohol was beginning to get the better of him.

"Very good, very good," The presenter laughed, although it was obvious she was faking it. "Now, let's cut to the commercials. After the break I'll be interviewing the one and only Taylor Swift!" The green light turned red and the presenter relaxed. Ryan stood up and walked off the set towards his dressing room. He pulled out a bottle of vodka from his bag. He drank half the bottle in one go. There was a knock at the door and his manager walked in. He took one look at the bottle in Ryan's hand and dialled his phone.

"Hey, we're going out the back, nobody can see him," He snapped his phone shut. "Ryan. Stop drinking. Stop taking the prescriptions. I don't know how to make you, but I will. I'll find your family and I'll make them keep you under lock and key if I have to,"

"Right, you're missing one vital detail,"

"And what's that, smartass?"

"I don't have a family,"

"Well, I'll send you to friends,"

"What happened to rehab?"

"If you go to rehab the world will know, it's easier to say you're visiting family,"

"Riiiight, so you don't care about my health at all, just about how much money you can get,"

"People don't care about you Ryan! Nobody out there truly cares. Sure everybody loves you, can't get enough of you, but NOBODY would take a bullet for you. I doubt even you're bodyguard would, and that's his JOB! Or maybe there are people out there, who love you for than just being a great musician; maybe somebody would take a bullet for you. You just won't let them,"

"You make no sense, asshole. You say it like it's a bad thing not letting somebody die for you or whatever metaphor you were using. But it's a good thing. Cause the chances are if somebody loves you enough to die for you, you'll love them back enough not to let them die. Get me out of here."

"You're hotel is down the road," The manager turned and muttered something under his breath as he led Ryan out the back way. They opened the door to cameras flashing, journalists shouting and women yelling for autographs. Ryan put his head down and attempted to get through.

"Mr. Atwood, when are you planning you're next release?"

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Is it true you have an alcohol problem?"

"Ryan, are you an alcoholic?"

"Mr. Atwood, do you take drugs?"

"Are the rumours true?"

"RYAN! RYAN!"

Ryan shoved passed all of them and got in the car quickly. When they began driving and he was sure nobody could see, Ryan cried. He cried silently, just letting the wet tears slide slowly down his cheeks. Nobody else in the car noticed.

He cried for everything. For the normal life he longed to have. For hatred of the person he had become. For the people he missed. The people he longed to not just see but to talk to, to laugh with, to love openly. Because to him missing someone wasn't about how long it had been since you'd seen each other or the amount to time since you'd talked. It was about that very moment when you're doing something and you wish they were right there with you. He wished they were there with him now. Any of them. He wished he could hear Seth rambling on about something he had absolutely no interest in. It used to annoy him, but now it was one of the things he missed most. He wished he could hear Summer proclaim EWWWW at anything. He wished he could get Sandy to take him out surfing again. He wished he could feel the comfort of Kirsten's arm around his shoulder. He wanted to see Marissa's smile, hear her laugh. He wished he could be with them, be in their company. All he had for company now was a bottle. A bottle of cold, fiery liquid that made is throat tingle. Not like the tingling sensation he got when he kissed Marissa. No that was sweet, soothing...lovely. This was to opposite. Not the sensation he got when he spoke when she was around. This was something totally different. God, why was he thinking about her so much? It had been 8 years. 8 years. That was too long to still be thinking about her. Why did she have to come at Christmas? He was finally getting over her and actually believing he didn't need her. He was finally accepting she was gone. Then she smiled at him and ruined it all.


	9. Life Sucks

_I'm not going to be able to write for a while. I'm not sure when I'll be able to write. I just don't feel like it._

_My grandma had an operation on her brain tumor and they took as much of it out as they could, but there is still some in. Basically she's going to die and I have no idea how I'm meant to act, feel, react. I don't know. I've got this thing where I want to spend time with her, but it hurts so much because it feels like it's going to be the last time i spend time with her. And i always imagined her being there when I graduated and all that stuff. We had this joke that I'd become a doctor so she could consult me and not have to wait for an appointment at the doctor's surgery. I'll miss her so much and I really don't get why it is happening. The world is cruel. Life is unfair. And right now I hate it._

_I don't even know why I'm posting this on some stupid website with stupid stories about stupid fictional characters that mean absolutely nothing. Nothing means anything anymore. We spend our lives doing stuff, but in the end none of it matters. Nothing matters because everything is out of our control._

_I can't write._


	10. Crying

_This chapter was already finished when I found out about my_ _Grandma. I'm posting it because I need to say thank you to every single one of you who sent a message. It means a lot._

_I might write. I might not. _

_Thank You._

Crying

A babies cries rung through the house. She nudged her husband.

"It's your turn," She said sleepily. He hadn't even woken up. "Fine, I'll do it," She mumbled. She felt around the bedside table and eventually found her alarm clock. She turned the light on. 3:30. Nobody should be awake at 3:30. She sat up and slowly got out of bed. She wandered down the hall and into her daughter's bedroom.

"Why couldn't you just be born with teeth, huh?" She said, picking her daughter up. She reached to put a dummy in her mouth. She sat down in the chair and cradled her, rocking her back and forth. Briefly she glanced over to the photo frame on the table beside her. There were reminders of him everywhere. She turned her head away. She didn't want to think about him. 3:30 am was not a good time to think about your estranged, alcoholic, drugged up, famous brother-in-law. The baby in her arms slowly drifted back to sleep.

"Thank you, Paige," Summer whispered as she gently laid the child back in the cot. She looked at the clock before turning the light off. 4:15 am. She was never going to get back to sleep. She was one of those people who once they're awake no matter how hard they try they just can't get back to sleep again. She got her dressing gown and went downstairs. The living room light was on. She didn't remember leaving it on...in fact she distinctly remembered turning it off. She turned back on herself, heading towards the shoe cupboard. Most people on suspecting an intruder would go wake their husbands. Summer didn't do this for 2 reasons. Firstly, Seth wasn't the kind of guy who could pin down an intruder...thinking about it Seth wasn't the kind of guy who could pin down a 2 year old. Secondly, she wasn't even sure she would be able to wake him up. She reached the cupboard and as quietly as possible she opened the door. Reaching in she searched for a while then found what she was looking for. She headed back to the living room. Quietly she edged her way around the sofa.

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Summer screamed as she jumped out on the intruder. She swung the umbrella.

"OWWWW!"

"SHIT!"

"OWWW!"

"Shit, Marissa, why aren't you in bed?"

"Why are YOU walking around the house armed with an umbrella!?" Marissa clutched her side.

"God, I'm so sorry, I'll get some ice," Summer ran into the kitchen and returned a few seconds later. "All we have is frozen peas," Summer said, holding up and bag. Both women looked at each other then at the bag of peas Summer was holding up like a trophy. They burst into a fit of laughter. Summer collapsed onto the sofa next to Marissa.

"The image of you in a dressing gown, wielding an umbrella is going to stay with me for the rest of my life," They laughed again.

"Wait," Summer had realised something. "God, you can't tell Seth or Sandy, I don't think I'd ever live it down,"

"Don't worry, I won't,"

"What are you doing down here anyway?"

"Not everybody can sleep like Seth,"

"I don't know how Cohen does it,"

"Has we woken up once since she was born?" Summer searched her brain for a moment.

"No...no I don't think he has," Summer and Marissa laughed together again. For the first time Summer noticed the picture on the floor, Marissa had been looking at it. It had been taken the day they'd sailed to the beach, after the whole Trey ordeal.

"Coop, what happened...on the boat before I came to get him?"

"We...talked,"

"About...?"

"He asked me why I didn't stay in contact, why I never came back," Marissa missed out the part where they thought of the future they could have had. It was just...too private.

"And you said...?"

"You know I didn't want him waiting for me; I wanted him to carry on,"

"You know he'd have found carrying on a whole lot easier if you'd just talked," Marissa looked at Summer accusingly. "What? Coop, I will back you on anything...apart from this. You made the wrong choice,"

"You think I don't know that Sum? You think I didn't regret making that choice every day for years? But it's better like this. We never worked and we never will. I'm happy, for the first time in a long time I'm really happy. He's happy too,"

"Yep, lethal mixes of painkillers and alcohol, the absolute definition of happiness," Summer said sarcastically. She saw her best friend's face drop. She knew how much Marissa had been worrying about him and now regretted her comment. "Coop, I'm sorry,"

"No, you're right. Tell me when I'm being selfish, ok?"

"You weren't. It's him who's being selfish; leaving us to think about him all the time, worry about him. He doesn't have the decency to even phone!"

"Chill! He's going through a rough patch, he'll come back,"

"He better do, Cohen is driving me mental,"

"What's he doing?"

"Insisting on watching every news story on him, cutting out clippings, trying to find his phone number...may I say, it's really not easy finding a famous guy's number! I get it. Ryan was...no, Ryan IS his best friend, his brother. But he's got a kid, he needs to help me out," Marissa just nodded. "The scary thing is, the only person who could ever get him to stop moping around, was Ryan. Which is just ironic! But Ryan's too busy popping pills and downing drinks to help out," They hugged each other and began to cry.


	11. Collapse

Collapse

"These are the same?" Ryan asked, looking at the bottle of pills.

"Exactly." The Mexican man said as he swatted a fly. "Exactly same as doctor give,"

"Right," Ryan handed the man a duffle bag. "That's the right amount."

"Ok." Ryan took a rucksack from the man and walked out the door.

***********

Ryan sat on the floor, 10 guitars surrounding him.

"What the hell?" Ryan's manager exclaimed as he took in the sight before him. Pill bottles littered the floor around Ryan, all full. He watched as Ryan carefully taped the bottles onto the inside of his guitars, away from site.

"They're legal," Ryan didn't even look up.

"When you're doctor was giving you them!"

"They're for personal, medical use." Ryan carried on with his task.

"You can't smuggle drugs into the country!"

"Who's stopping me? Security don't even dare touch the guitars, they're worth too much. Now leave me alone, I'm packing."

"You're a different guy to when I met you."

"And when you met me I was different to the Ryan Atwood everyone else knew. God, I'll probably get through 100 different personalities by the time I die," The manager could tell Ryan was drunk or that he'd taken some of the antidepressants...or both. He decided it was best not to argue and left the room, leaving Ryan to it.

***********

"WHO LET HIM HAVE THIS!?" Ryan's manager was furious. He had arrived in the dressing room to find Ryan halfway through a bottle of vodka, with an empty one lying on the floor next to him. He was now in the room with all the background staff. Nobody answered. "I TOLD YOU NO ALCOHOL!"

"He must have got it himself," Someone near the back of the huddle said.

"Well, whhhyyy didn't someone take it off him? For god's sake!"

"Why don't you just send him to rehab?"

"Because then he's damaged goods. Nobody wants to be listening to a druggy, nobody wants their kids listening to a druggy, plus rehab will put back when we can start making the next album,"

"You think he's in any fit state to write or record an album?" Another person shouted.

"That's nothing to concern yourself about. Get back to work," He turned on his heels and went back into Ryan. He couldn't cancel the concert now. He'd just have to take a risk that nothing would go wrong.

"Ryan, you're on in 5,"

"Sure," Ryan muttered distantly. He slung his guitar over his neck and began strumming a few random chords.

"Ok, into the corridor," His manager ushered him outside where the backstage crew took over. Soon Ryan was stood in front of 25, 000 screaming people, all focused on him.

"Hey," Ryan lent into the microphone. He looked to his band. The drummer began the beat. Then the bass player came in then Ryan. He strummed quickly, sweat dripped off his forehead. He began walking around the stage. He fell over an amp. There was a loud crash, then a screech then silence. Ryan stumbled up. "Fine, I'm fine," Then collapsed again. This time he didn't get back up. He heard screaming and shouting. Everything was fuzzy and spinning. He couldn't make any words out. Everything seemed to merge into each other.

*****************

"What are we going to do?" Ryan's manager paced up and down the corridor.

"Wait for him to recover?" The doctor suggested.

"What if he doesn't? I've got a family; I need the pay checks I get from him! Stupid, selfish bastard! He was a doctor, surely he knew it could be lethal?"

"He knew, but he seems to be in a state of mind where he doesn't really care."

"He's got an awesome job, he could get any girl he wanted, what the fuck would make him depressed!?"

"You know more about him than I do," The doctor said thoughtfully. "If he does get out of the coma he's going to have to go somewhere to rehabilitate him,"

"He can't go to rehab. He wouldn't listen to them. He didn't mention much about family. But he must have some who can help him,"

"I dug around. There isn't much mentioned about his real parents, but he got adopted when he was 16. They live in Newport Beach, millionaires. I think that would be the best place for him looking at it on paper, if you don't want him going to rehab."

"Yeah, sure." The manager still paced. "Can he go there when he's in a coma?"

"We can transfer him to our nearest centre, which is actually in the town,"

"Will it all be secret? It needs to be private. They can't know where he is otherwise he'll never have the peace to recover,"

"We can make everything secret," Machines started bleeping in the room. The doctor rushed in. The manager following.

"He's out of the coma," The doctor said calmly. "Unconscious, but he's breathing and his brain seems to be functioning normally,"

"Does this mean we can send him straight the their house?"

"I don't see why not,"

"I'll phone them,"

**************

Ryan woke. He wasn't in his apartment or in a hotel. It seemed oddly familiar, but his jumbled mind couldn't place it. He sat up quickly, rubbing his head. He searched through his trousers that lay on the floor. Nothing. Where was it? He noticed his suitcases by the door and search through them, throwing clothes about the room desperately. Still nothing. One of his guitars lent against the wall in the corner, he peered inside it. Nothing. Then he realised. He was in a pool house. The pool house. He desperately tried to remember his way to the alcohol cupboard. His head was spinning, it felt light and heavy at the same time. He stumbled into the kitchen. He went straight for the cupboard he remembered it being in. Nothing. It was empty. He looked in the fridge. Nothing. No beer, nothing. Frantically he searched through all the other cupboards trying to find it. There was nothing. Just stupid glasses, stupid plates, stupid cereal. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He kept searching.

"There's no alcohol in the house," Seth, Summer, Kirsten, Sandy and Marissa stood in the doorway. It was Seth who had spoken. Ryan ran towards him and grabbed his shoulders.

"Seth, I need it you don't understand, you don't get it. Please. Seth," Ryan stuttered frantically.

"Ryan, you don't," Seth couldn't bare seeing his brother like this. But he needed to get better, they would make him better. Then they could be brothers again.

"Kirsten, please," Ryan begged.

"You don't need it,"

"Marissa, you know, you know how it feels, you know what it's like, please, I just...please,"

"Ryan," Marissa couldn't bare looking at him. "You don't need it,"

"I NEED IT! GOD DAMN IT, WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?" He hadn't been without alcohol in his system for months. He threw a glass onto the floor, it shattered everywhere. The girls jumped. "I NEED IT! LISTEN TO ME YOU IDIOTS! WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN?!"

"Ryan, calm down," Sandy said slowly.

"WHY AM I HERE?! WHY DID THEY SEND ME HERE?"

"We're your family, we'll look after you," Sandy said, again calm. All three women were in tears.

"I DON'T HAVE A FAMILY! I DON'T HAVE ONE!" Ryan ran back into the pool house and pulled on some sweats and a hoody. He ran through the kitchen and out the front door, down the driveway. The gate was locked. "WHAT IS THIS? A PRISON!?" The 5 stood silently. Ryan ran back into the pool house and fell onto the bed. The other five left him for a few hours. Seth decided to go see him.

"Ryan we want to help you," Seth said.

"You're too late," Ryan stayed looking at the ceiling.

"It's never too late."

"If you wanted to help me why didn't you call me? You never called me."

"I didn't think you wanted me to,"

"You...what do you think I had going through my mind? How great my career was? How great my life was? How awesome it is to be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone!?"

"I...I thought you wanted..."

"YOU THINK I WANTED THIS? YOU THINK I WANTED TO HAVE NO FRIENDS? YOU THINK I WANTED TO BECOME SOMEONE I HATE?!" Ryan looked at them, eyes dull, glazed over. "You think I wanted to become someone you hate?" Ryan said quietly.

"I don't hate you. None of us hate you."

"I...I wanted to come back...everyday." Ryan said slowly. "I couldn't. I put my address and phone number on the parcel. I thought you'd call me."

"I didn't see it," Seth said sadly.

"Can I stay?"

"Of course! God, we thought you wouldn't want to stay."

"I'm sorry...about earlier...about everything,"

"It's the past. Nobody moves forward by hanging onto the past."

"Yeah," They were silent.

"It might be too soon, I don't know, but...why did you start?"

"Why did I start drinking?"

"Drinking, antidepressants, everything."

"I...there wasn't a reason. I took them, drank and got addicted."

"Ryan, there's a reason, there always is. The doctor said, Mom said, Marissa said and I bet if we asked your Mom she'd say the same,"

"I...can we talk later."

"Sure," Seth smiled weakly.

"What time is it?"

"12. You can get a shower and stuff and then we'll have lunch,"

"Ok," Seth left.

**********

Ryan felt so refreshed after the shower. He'd stood under the water for half an hour, just letting it hit against his skin, loving the feeling of being clean. He couldn't see any point in being here. His manager would need him back to recording soon and as soon as he left the first thing he'd do was stop off at a store and get a bottle. A trip to Mexico would be next on the list. He'd never see them again. Who'd want to be with him any longer than they had to be? He dried off and put on some jeans and a tank top and shirt. God, he hadn't worn a tank top in months. He always had to look clean, good, smart. It felt good to be himself again. He wondered out into the garden, everyone was sat around the table waiting for him.

Marissa looked at Ryan as he walked towards them. His figure was closer to Seth's than the old Ryan. He was skinny, but his broad shoulders stopped him ever being scrawny. His face looked worn, too many late nights. He wasn't smiling, he looked incapable of smiling. But his hair still had the same cute, dishevelled look. He wasn't the Ryan she knew, inside or out, but there were little pieces left. One day he'd be back to normal.

"Nice shower,"

"Yeah, thanks," Ryan said, sitting down. He poured himself a glass of water. It wasn't too appealing. He picked up his fork and began spinning it in between his fingers. He wasn't sure if the fidgeting was nervousness or withdrawal symptoms.

"How's L.A?" Kirsten asked.

"Shit," Ryan said truthfully.

"Oh...how come?"

"Everything." Rosa brought the food out. Everybody helped themselves to a plate full apart from Ryan who got half a bagel. He picked at it, barely eating anything.

"Ryan you should eat more," Kirsten said worried.

"I'm fine," Sandy and Kirsten looked at each other.

"We'll go help Rosa clean up. You guys can...catch up," Sandy and Kirsten left the four of them alone.

"How long is it since you ate properly?" Marissa asked.

"I...it's nothing to do with you,"

"That bad?"

"Why aren't you guys saying anything? Think it sounds less patronising coming from her? I'd rather you spoke to me than someone I don't know," Ryan was angry at them. He wanted to be alone. He didn't want to think about anything. They were forcing him to think.

"You know Marissa," Ryan picked at the table cloth.

"You know...one of the worst pains in life is that someone you know turns into someone you knew. It's happened to all of us. I don't even know you guys anymore. You sure as hell don't know me. I don't know me." The fork spun out of Ryan's hand into the swimming pool. "Shit," Ryan got up. "I'm sorry; I'm so sorry, I..." Ryan readied himself to jump into the pool.

"RYAN NO! IT'S A FORK!" Seth shouted, but he was too late. Ryan jumped in fully clothed and surfaced a few seconds later, the fork clasped in his hand. All four of them burst out laughing. Ryan walked toward them slowly and handed Seth the fork.

"A fork? You got all wet for a fork?" Summer was finding it difficult to speak through laughter.

"I was nervous," Ryan shrugged.

"You thought we'd kill you for accidently throwing a...fork," Seth laughed. "Throwing a fork into the pool?"

"You never know." Seth stopped laughing.

"I'll tell you about me, let you know me. If we're allowed to know you. If you let us help you," Seth said seriously.

"Why would you want to help me? I'm fucked up,"

"No denying you're messed up, but not beyond repair," Seth said. "You're my brother. Deal?"

"Ok," Ryan said. Seth hugged him.

"We're going to take the boat out tomorrow for a couple of days. I'm hoping you would be my Lieutenant,"

"Sure," Ryan said. Then something came to his mind. "Can I go down to the shops?" The other 3 looked at each other. "I'm not buying alcohol,"

"I...your manager guy said you couldn't be recognised, so the paparazzi didn't come."

"I'll wear big glasses,"

"I'm not sure if it's a good idea..." Seth said.

"Get Marissa to come with me if you don't trust me,"

"Me?" Marissa couldn't believe he wanted her to go.

"Yeah,"

"Ryan wouldn't you prefer..." Summer nudged Seth before he could finish. Hopefully sometime alone together would make them realise on their own, without her intervention.

"That's great,"


	12. The Shopping Trip

"Which shop did you want to go to?" Marissa asked as they walked along the pier.

"Is there a sailing shop?"

"Yeah. We always used to go; don't you remember Seth dragging us along?"

"I...my memory has been kind of fuzzy."

"Well, you have been pumping drugs and alcohol through your system nonstop for more than a year." Ryan stopped walking.

"I'm guessing this it?" Ryan pointed at the shop with a sailing boat on the sign.

"Yeah," Marissa laughed. He held the door open for her. "Thanks. What did you want?"

"Erm...something for Seth?" Ryan said. "Not sure."

"He mentioned something about wanting a new windbreaker," Marissa suggested.

"Yeah," Ryan was thankful for Marissa's understanding. They went to the coat section. "This one's nice." Ryan held up a navy blue jacket.

"It's the same as his old one." Marissa said. "Whereas this one," She held up a bright pink coat. "This one is totally him," Ryan smiled slightly. Seth's old coat. That he had never seen. It was only coat, a stupid coat, but it made Ryan realise how much he had missed. He hadn't even seen Paige yet. He presumed she was with Dr. Roberts, away from the unstable alcoholic. Away from him.

"This one," Ryan held up a black windbreaker.

"That's nice," Marissa looked at the price tag. It was huge even for her standards. "Shit, Ryan, have you seen the price?" Ryan looked and then shrugged.

"I've got think of something to spend my money on now I'm not buying thousands of dollars worth of antidepressants," Ryan said sadly.

"Sure," Marissa looked at him through worried eyes.

"You think they do baby windbreakers?" Ryan asked.

"That's the best idea!" Marissa said enthusiastically, trying to mask any worry. She grabbed his hand and dragged him around until they found some baby sized jackets.

"Pink?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah," Marissa searched through the rack. "I can't say it's as fun as the mall," Marissa said as she searched.

"Yep, the mall is just awesome," Ryan said sarcastically.

"We had some fun times in the mall," Marissa said, smiling at the memories. "I can't believe we camped in a mall. We're pretty unique,"

"Yep," Ryan wasn't thinking about the camping. Ryan was thinking about what he'd overheard Marissa saying to Summer. Did she still feel like that? Marissa held up a pink coat.

"Perfect," She said, holding it up. They went to pay. They stood outside, looking out to the sea.

"We should get a few things from the grocery store," Marissa suggested.

"Yeah," Ryan had been hoping to go there. This time he knew where it was and they walked around, picking up packets of biscuits, bread, bagels...everything they could possibly need. Ryan slipped something into the basket whilst Marissa was in another part of the shop.

"I'll pay...you go get the car," Ryan suggested.

"Erm..." Marissa said, hesitant to leave me alone.

"I'll manage to look after myself for a few minutes,"

"Ok," Marissa left him in the line.

***********

They'd been driving 5 minutes when Marissa realised the bag at Ryan's feet.

"What's that?"

"Oh," Ryan said quickly. "Just shopping,"

"Why isn't it with the rest?"

"It didn't fit," Marissa slammed the brakes down. "What?"

"Ryan anything fits in that boot," She got out of the car, walked round to his side and opened the door. She grabbed the bag. 5 bottles of vodka. "Ryan," She said angrily, her eyes red.

"I'm an adult. I can do what I like. He got out of the car a joined her at the side of the road.

"WHY?"

"I'm an ADULT!" Marissa threw the bottles down the hill, hearing them smash and few seconds later. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" Ryan shouted. He knew the answer to his question; though Marissa gave him a different one.

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU WANT TO DRINK TO MESS YOUR LIFE UP, BUT YOU DIDN'T LET ME, YOU HELPED ME, SO I'M NOT LETTING YOU!" Tears formed in her eyes. Ryan looked at her for a moment.

"It's not that my life is messed up because I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic because my life is messed up." Ryan muttered. He walked away.

"Where are you going?" Marissa called after him.

"I'll walk," Ryan didn't even turn around to give her his answer, he just kept walking. He wandered along the road, he waited for Marissa to pass by him in the car and then he turned back on himself. Back towards the town, to the store.

***********

"Do you think he's ok, it's been 2 hours?" Kirsten asked. As if in answer to her question somebody stumbled into the hallway. "Where've you been?" She looked at his face and then smelt is odour. It was obvious where he had been. Everybody was frozen for a while.

"Let's get you to bed," Sandy said putting an arm around Ryan.

"It's 4," Ryan muttered, pushed Sandy's arm off him and went into the pool house. He grabbed his guitar then went back through the house.

"Where are you going now?" Sandy asked forcefully.

"For a walk," Ryan said sourly.

"You drunk,"

"Well done Sherlock," Ryan muttered before going out the front door.

"Someone has to go with him," Sandy said.

"I think he wants to be alone," Summer said.

"I don't care. He's my son and I'm not letting him wander around drunk alone,"

"I'll go," Kirsten said, following after him quickly. She followed after him from a distance, she didn't want him to feel like they were treating him like a child. He didn't even notice she was there. He kept walking up and hill. The road curved back down the hill and Ryan walked on the terrain. He continued for a while and sat down. He laid his guitar next to him and stared out at the ocean. Kirsten approached slowly.

"It's horrible isn't?" Kirsten began as she sat beside him. "You need it so much, but it only ever makes you feel worse,"

"I can't tell the difference. Sober or drunk. Life's still shit." Ryan said, playing with the grass. "Sober or drunk I'm still messed up. I'm still lonely. I'm still a disappointment. The only difference is being drunk means you can go to sleep and dream everything is alright," Alcohol got Ryan's mouth muscles going.

"Everybody's been trying to stop you drinking. Us. Your manager. But that's not the way to do it. I should have realised earlier. I mean, I've been in this situation, right?" Kirsten empathised with him. "The way to do it is to cure the problem that made you start drinking in the first place." Ryan swallowed hard. "Seth says you avoid talking about it," There wasn't something he could say, yep that was it. It was a lot of things. Too many things. "Will you tell me? I won't tell the rest of them if you don't want,"

"It's not one thing...I guess it was a build up. There's no point trying to get past stuff, when you know there's nothing good on the other side." Kirsten noticied how he didn't use past tense for his last sentence, he still believed that. It worried her.

"You know we're your family?"

"Yes." Ryan said. He was sure of that. They wouldn't desert him. They never desert him. Not really. Even being as drunk as he was he knew this.

"That's good. That's one problem solved." Kirsten decided to take things slowly. "How come you took your guitar?"

"Sometimes I write better when I'm drunk,"

"Nothing is better when you're drunk,"

"Sure," Ryan muttered.


	13. Chapter 13

_good people of the world._

_read._

_any of these stories that your patiently waiting to be updated (i think one of them hasn't been updated in quite a few months) will be updated in due course. most of them have half finished chapters that i just cant seem to finish._

_well anyway._

_i have this huge thing in my mind. it's going to be huge._

_it's so huge that i made a blog for it._

_it has some images, showing each of the charcters. _

_alongside them are sort of cryptic things saying the relationships between the characters._

_just type _

_orangesunsets_

_._

_tumblr_

_._

_com_

_all in one._

_please._

_for me?_


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